Sapphic Sydney

Okay, so i'd like to get your opinion on something.

I'm 22 (well, 23 in 2 weeks) and only just recently out. It's been relatively easy thanks to a very loving and understanding family and loyal friends, but I’m still not sure where to draw the line when it comes to being "out".

Call me idealistic, but I’m proud to be gay and don’t really care who knows. If anyone has a problem with it, then screw them. But tonight I was talking to my mother who had been talking to my 60yr old gay auntie who said that I should be careful who I tell, just keep it to close friends because it’s nobody else’s business. I can see where she’s coming from, I mean it’s nobody’s business who I have sex with, but being gay is so much more than that, it’s part of my identity, and part that I’m proud of.

Beyond that, I’ve definitely faced more than a couple comments from friends about the lesbian stereotype (“why do all lesbians try to look like men? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of liking women?” argh.), and as a relatively femme and not-so-obvious lesbian, isn’t it important that I am out and proud and doing my bit to open peoples minds and force them to think beyond the stereotype?

I think my auntie’s main concern is that being out will make my life more difficult as there are, of course, people in positions of power who will disagree with my chosen lifestyle and make it their business to make my life more difficult, but I think I’m up to that challenge.

So please, I’d love to get some opinions on where to draw the line on coming out from you guys, those who are coming out now and dealing with the same issue, as well as those who’ve been out for a while and have made this decision already.

hey hey 

yeah I get what ur saying... I am half out (out to ma mates, not to my family) and I dont really come out and tell people that im a homo unless I really want them to know. 

and honestly, I really dont think there is a line on how out u can get. Being a certain way is your business and there are a mixed range of people in this world, so ofcourse if you come out to everyone. You are gonna mixed reactions but hey, its your life and you should be able to do whatever the hell you want. If being out makes it hard professionally then dude thats discrimination.

I think it's great that you wanna be OUT!

but sometimes me and my friends ponder the stereotypes as well, well they're all str8 and i dont really have any answers for why all lesbians look like men. But i'm boyish sometimes so meh!

So at the end of the day, be as out as you want because there are too many people that are still in the closet. 

p.s. you're pretty hot. 

Yeah I'm not talking shouting it from the rooftops or announcing to to every single person I come into contact with, but I just don't want to hide it. You know, if someone asks me about my boyfriend then i'd reply "well actually..."

I think the main issue is - after speaking to a few other friends - that my auntie grew up and came out in a very different time when society wasn't quite so open to the idea of homosexuality. Don't get me wrong i'm more than aware that homophopia is still alive and well, but at least now there are laws put in place to prevent it affecting our lives the way it might have 50 years ago.

And the stereotype thing, i think that's partly from living on the central coast where there's not a huge "scene" and most of the lesbians around here seem to be pretty butch. i mean, I went to krave last weekend (our only gay-friendly bar which runs once a fortnight) and was written off by just about every person there as straight and some people were actually quite rude about it. it's incredibly frustrating.

ps. thanks, so are you

It's true your auntie grew up in a different society, but I suppose there is wisdom in it. You wouldn't want to tell the wrong people now, would you? ;p (especially in certain countries)

I go to an art school so naturally I thought everyone is gonna be cool about it, but then I found out some of my classmates are VERY religious, so I was glad I haven't outed myself as I've saved myself from having to listen to preachers and awkward situtations.

I say just be yourself and be as out as you're comfortable with. Generally I have a "don't ask don't tell" policy unless it's something that's required (e.g. when rejecting male advances). I guess my roguish good looks don't look "man" enough.

lol dw... guys see ass and they go for it. 

....:O.... I'm like that as well!!! 

hey i dunno if any one else has had a similar problem, and its kinda a long story so im sorry but i need to rant about this cuz i havent really been able to yet, but all my close friends know about me and were all cool about it, or so i thought... any way my best friend is a guy, i've known him since i was like 15, and when i first met him he was trying to crack onto me, any way i told him i was gay to get rid of him, any way we ended up becoming really good friends, i mean this guy is like the boy version of me, he was pretty much a part of our family, he's like my brother or somthing, and whenever we talk about it he's always said he doesnt feel that way about me any more he's all cool with me being gay, blahblahblah, but we went traveling together and i caught the rat bag filming me changing, which its pretty crap really, but considering he's supposed to be my best friend, i dunno it just sux, i havent been able to really talk to him properly since, like i actually miss him, but just the sound of his voice makes me angry, yeah i dunno if i can just get over it.  any way sorry rant complete

I'd be pretty pissed off! He should apologise profusely, and even then not expect to get your friendship back.

Think about it - if it was a stranger he'd be in big trouble! Because he's your friend, he should be even more aware of how awful it is. Broken your trust totally. Could be he was just being stupid, but that kind of stupidity is acceptable from early teenagers, right?

The Ca Ri: Haha yeah, I'm guilty of that as well. ;p I guess  men and lesbians come across as "easy" in general when they see female ass? Can't help it ... Women are gorgeous. XD

I Dunno: Wow. That must suck salty balls for a "friend" to betray you like that ... What an ass. I remember a girl telling me how her guy friend asked her for a photo of her GF's naked back so he can fap to it ... WTF man.

yeah thats intense... did he explain why he did it?

I guess you have to find a way to get the anger out of your system, you don't have to forgive him or anything but if the sound of his voice still angers you then you're gonna be holding a grudge until your cheese turns moldy. 

its either you try and talk to him about it and find a way to forgive him, try and build the friendship back up but not too close or just tell him to fuck off, and you run it off as poor judgement on your part. 

he shoulda just rented some pornos... 

he did apologize and i really dont know why he did it, it is pretty out of character, and well he got all freaked out a few days before cuz i kind of hooked up with some one and yeah he freaked out and got like wasted and said he was in love with me, and he said that he always hoped i would change my mind about being gay, like he could turn me straight or somthing, that actually pisses me off more than the creepy filming. i mean every ones had the whole unrequited love thing right? like i acknowledge its no fun, but its been like years and im not getting any straighter, any way yeah whatever

'im not getting any straighter' hehehehe thats very true!!

and at haylzt... definitely have a 'dont ask, dont tell' kinda policy... its heaps easier that way.. and agreed with the ca ri! - you're a babe

my view on coming out is more of a "coming in". i live MY WAY and if people want to or need to enter my life, then they can do so. acceptance is a difficult concept when it comes to gay/queer issues as it is always the minority who have to take the shit.  people always have a tough time accepting things which are different from the norm and for most people who are on the recieving end of the "i don't understand you, therefor i will hate you" mentality, it is far easier to develop self-preservation techniques than to deal with the constant insults and trauma of being unaccepted. maybe your auntie has had to do this more times than she wished and is trying to protect you from that pain. however  at the end of the day, you are two totally different people and it is ALWAYS your personal decision as to who you tell, how you tell them and why you tell them.

then there is the issue of  "coming out/letting people in" and having to deal with the comments which come in the most absurd forms. i think it is important, despite the seemingly homophobic comments, that we try to understand that it is more than often simply ignorance which drives people to say such things. i find it easier to calmly explain to people that they are totally off track than to rant and rave. most;y they come around and are cool with it. it's a tough task which comes with the territory of being gay but we do have the responsibility of being educators if we want to see any change in the world. so, i guess just have fun with it, occassionally people need a good punch in the face but generally words work. xxxx

I one hundred percent agree with you that we have a responsibility to be educators, otherwise we've not a leg to stand on when it comes to homophobia. It's disgusting, and more than anything it just confuses me, but you can't get this shits about it unless you're actively trying to change it, which is possible.

My whole opinion on the "coming out" thing had actually changed a lot since I first wrote the post - it obviously had to when i started my new, very gay, job. I pretty much come out to every client I ever work with, and for the rest of my life my resume is going to do the coming out for me. And I'm really fine with that. I almost enjoy it when I get a homophobic response from a potential client because it gives me the opportunity to open their mind - even just a little.

ok

Hayley - interesting that you mention that! Obviously this website is quite and achievement and id like it on my resume but putting it there is like yelling it from the hill tops.