Sapphic Sydney

To those of you who have/had depression, I've got some questions:

• How did you beat it, if you have?
• How do you go through the low 'episodes'? (if you can call them that, heh)

I had clinical depression for over two years.

I coped with it badly and I finally got to a point where I only had the option of turning my life around or having no life at all.

I obviously chose the first option, and forced myself to find ways to enjoy life again.

I made it my mission to start doing something outside of pitying myself - and focused all of my efforts to philanthropic exploits.

The only thing that really gave me confidence was seeing that other people were happy.

It made me believe the same was possible for everyone, even me.

Forcing myself to be the cause of that happiness (through niceties, generosity and otherwise) slowly made me believe I could do something decent in the world.

To this day I still commit random acts of kindness without fail every friday. I met my sponsor child in Africa in December, and plan to go back. I buy 5 x $1 scratchies weekly and leave them unscratched in public places...

I don't really know how it all happened exactly.

The only thing I was certain of was that I hated my life and myself the way I was, the solution to which was to change back to the person I knew I was and wanted to be.

As for low episodes, I was useless.

I'd just slip into an emotionless void, assuming it was better than feeling fear or anger or melancholia.

My only advice to anyone experiencing depression is don't do that.

If I could try again, I would go an sit on top of the headland at Forster and look out into the ocean and try and remind myself I am such a small fragment of such an amazing universe; that there is so much more than what I can see in my own skull that I need to see and read and find and explore and discover.

Don't you get sick of "forcing" yourself after a while? That's what happened to me, so I stopped forcing myself ... But I suppose it's better than being down in the gutter.

Thanks for sharing by the way. I'd really love to turn my life around.

I too had clinical depression. It was so unbearable -one time I lay almost motionless in bed for 3 days. I suppose what helped me was having someone else go through exactly the same thing, and having them know you're every thought and where you're coming from no matter what -she was my affinity. But also, having someone explain to me what's happening, and how everyone experiences lows throughout their lives, except that these current lows are just so much greater. I like to think I pulled out of it by myself, but I'm thinking that having had introduced myself and my entire life to 14 different psychologists contributed in nudging me along too. Oh! actually, seeing other low socioeconomic ppl (from out west) who had either similar or different mental illnesses from me certainly told me I didn't want to go down that path -it's ugly, and for a whole bunch of ppl, it's for life.

But I suppose the best thing I would advise - it's probably more 'accessible' too, rather than all the other things I've mentioned - is find one individual who'll stick to you like iron, even if you know u probably won't b friends after a year or so. Someone you can call home.

Hang in there lil trooper

I have bipolar disorder (rapid cycling type 2) so ive experienced the low episodes. For me i usually crawl into bed and cry cos thats all im capable of. But if i feel it coming on before it gets to bad, sometimes if i throw myself into some kind of complex task that requires concentration and doesnt allow me to procrastinate, then sometimes i can avoid sliding down the deppression slope. Cooking something complicated is a good one because it keeps you busy and you dont have time for bad thoughts.


Apart from that ive experienced two periods of depression, as seperate from my bipolar. The first was when i was about 15, i had smoked way to much weed and looking back (and after studying psychology) i was actually going through mild psychosis (eg. extreme parania and paranoid delusions). I was in a deep deep depression - believed the world was an ugly place and that i wasnt depressed, but that "healthy" people were too stupid to see reality. Hated myself and the world etc. etc.

Managed to get out of in part becuase i stopped taking drugs and in part because i faked it and eventually after a while i wasnt faking it anymore and it became real (eg forced myself to go out and pretend i enjoyed it and after a while i actually did start to enjoy it).


The second period of depression i went through was when i was 19/20. I had just gotten back from traveling overseas after highschool and everything had changed and i think i just had trouble adjusting. This time it was really different because i was consious of the fact that there was something wrong with me. I was incredibly insecure and felt like no one liked me. Had a bit of anxiety etc. If one of my friends invited me out to lunch i would feel sick in the pit of my stomach because i was convinced that they must be angry with me and wanted to confront me about it (cos why else would anyone want to spend time with me). The weird thing was that i knew these thoughts and feelings were completly irrational but i couldnt help them from going through my head. I went and saw a psychologist who helped me realise i shouldnt be ashamed of how i was feeling, and i also went on anti depressants for a about a year and a half. I went off them last year and have been fine every since.

I was really sick for a long time (something like 6/7 years)

What Claire mentioned about altered perceptions of reality in depression really sums it up for me.

I was really very out of touch. It's really hard to see things clearly when you're at that stage of depression because it somehow makes sense to you - even if there is no way in hell that it could make sense in the Real world...

Even Eve, my girlfriend, sometimes jokes that I was "off the planet" when we met.. And she got to know me only when I was MUCH better.

I am now SOO much better than I was, but I do worry about spiralling back down, so I try to keep things manageable. But what helped me most?

- Medication

- Time and less pressure

- Experiences

Medication helped me kind of break the loop with my thoughts. I used to think myself in cirlces and the particular drug that I was put on was able to ...well, basically stopped me from thinking altogether.

Don't try to set the bar high for yourself when you're getting really low. You have to remember:

a) You're not at your best, so don't expect your best.

b) If you're sick, how can you compete with others?

For me it was reallllly helpful when I could organise my sleep time. I swear that it works for me, and I've read about it online over and over again. You should try it! Just make sure you plan your sleep and get into a routine. If you have trouble sleeping it is all the more important. You just have to stick at it and practise getting your routine right. Try to get 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night.

Also, you have to build positive experiences, and plant positive thoughts in your head. Sometimes it's good to do some corny exercises which help you get started. Often they start out corny but they get you thinking about good things...

And let's face it - depressed people think too much, so you may as well have some happy thoughts in there, right?

Depression is really really hard. It affects you in every way - ways we don't even realise. It's so hard to be able to evaluate anything, or figure anything out. Dont' expect yourself to do anything quickly, or to get better at any particular rate. With me I didn't even realise how much better I had started to feel untill looking back on it at a much later time.

-J

I was diagnosed with severe clincal depression back in 2007 and I had symptoms since 2005... needless to say life wa horrible and disgusting and suicide seemed more and more appealing everyday. I wrote several notes and actually tried to 'off myself' with Neurofen... I just fell asleep for like 24 hours.

Then one day, my Mum, during one of our daily arguments said (not seriously, mind you) that I 'really need to speak to someone' which got me thinking about if I actually did. I started to actually note down my emotional 'feelings' and any physical 'feelings' that I had with them. I ended up being able to tell PHYSICALLY when I was about to spiral down. It felt like there was a huge vacum behind me that was literally sucking the life out of me... I could actually feel my lungs slowing and my heart being pulled back (or so it felt). Pressure in my body dropped, I could feel every muscle droop. It was like I was PHYSICALLY distraught, my body was distraught, not just my mind- I knew this wasn't normal, so I spoke to my GP. She put me on Meds... which destroyed me for 2 months, I had insane side effects. One night, I woke up and saw faces coming out of my bedroom walls. I dropped out of uni and stopped working. But it got better. If I forgot to take a dose, I could feel the saddness close back in- it was actually quite incredible to see such an obvious difference in ONE DAY.

Anyway, I decided in January this year to begin weaning myself off the medication (Effexor is evil) and it was horrible. But I'm good now... 

Every so often, I feel it coming back- but the old mantra mind over matter has begun to work. When I stopped being Catholic, I got a new lease on life and I think leaving the church is what saved me. Now I know that what I feel is ok. I know that it will get better. I can rationalize.

Meditation is a live saver- so helpful.

But yeah, Depression is a terrible, terrible illness. People rarely understand that it isn't an illness of the mind. It's a disease that kills, and even though most people don't get that- there are many that do. The important thing to remember with Depression is that it isn't your fault and you can't help feeling that way without the proper help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for the Mind + Medication for the Body + Peace and Rest for the Mind = the best way to healthy feeling.

xo